Almost Friends, 2.26.19

I watch you,
And smile.
I love the way you laugh.
I'd tell you so,
If only we were friends.

Perhaps we were meant to be:
Every time I see you,
I feel us connect.
Every time we part,
We are almost friends.

Years go by,
We never see each other.
We never miss each other.
Because after all,
We are only almost friends.

April Design: Blanket

I didn't actually complete any original design projects in April. I spent the first week and a half working on a crochet project (the shawl referenced in my last blogpost, that I gave up due to shoulder pain), and I sprinkled in a few washcloths using patterns for circle designs in Nicky Epstein's book Knitting in Circles. But the only thing I designed I didn't finish until July 1st.

For my birthday I gave my family a GREAT list of suggestions for birthday presents (i.e. mostly yarn). One thing I asked for was yarn for a blanket with a few color suggestions. They got it for me, in a lovely brown. While the family was all over that night my brother-in-law asked me how long the yarn would keep me busy, and joked that it probably wouldn't keep me busy for long. I commented how it goes fast for the first couple of balls, but then gets really cumbersome and slow going.

I then made an off-hand comment about how if I did it in strips it wouldn't be so cumbersome and would knit up more quickly.

And so the wheels started turning. Why do strips unless you are going to make that part of the design appeal? What about stripes? What color could I add?

So, brown. It might be considered boring, but it really opens up the options when it comes to color matching. I love pink with brown, blues with brown, yellow and brown (yikes, listing all the options is almost making me reconsider my final choice), but my favorite (and my final choice) is green with brown.

The website that I bought the yarn from didn't have the exact color I wanted, so I ended up going with a color called Sea Glass.

Original plan: 8 inch stripes of brown in moss stitch, a simple but striking textured pattern, and thin, 2-3 inch wide stripes of green in a type of winding leaf pattern, with a line of green at the top and the bottom and a brown leaf edging past that.

Problem: leaf patterns in knitting require a lot of stitches to make them look detailed, and since I only wanted the green stripes to be 2-3 inches wide (which translates to 8-12 stitches since I was using bulky yarn and big needles), that wasn't going to happen. The pattern had to adjust, and changed to a green vine winding up it instead of leaves.

Fast forward a month and I got to the brown edging. I had a picture in my mind of the how the leaf edging would work, and I thought for sure I had seen an edging like that in my book of edging designs. Alas, it was not so. I tried a pattern I found online, didn't like it, tried making up my own, didn't like it, and then put down the project for a few weeks while I went on vacation.

Eventually I came back to it. I tried something else. Two or three times with different stitch amounts, increases, and decreases, to no avail. Leaves weren't going to happen. Sigh. So I gave up and picked a simpler edging.

Got about six inches into that and didn't like it, so undid it and picked my final one. Super simple, fairly classy, and now it is done.

I love it. The whole blanket. I'm so excited. I've even written up the pattern and plan on presenting it to Knit Picks (where I buy my yarn), to see if they will let me sell it on their website (they attach different pattern to their yarn lines).

Isn't it great? It turned out bigger than I expected, which makes me happy. I'm pretty sure I have my winter bed cover....

March Designs: Tote, Scarf, and Costume

Hopefully no one is surprised that I fell behind. I'm not. Merely disappointed in myself. But that is a feeling I am well used to in conjunction with blogging.

March had several designs, two of them crochet! I don't remember what order I made them in, so I'll start with the crochet projects, then the knit.

First was a simple shopping bag. I realized that I will often go to Walmart and just need 3-5 things, an amount that puts me right in between needing a bag and not needing a bag. I also (since I had made two blankets recently) noticed that I was in need of a bag large enough to tote my blankets around to work on.

Solution to both: create a shopping bag big enough for a blanket-in-progress.

It's huge. Unweildy. Annoying. And I don't like it. Therefore, sometime when I don't have tons of other super exciting projects to work on it will be unmade and redone smaller. I don't need to tote blankets around, I will work on them in my room and take smaller projects other places. Problem solved. Ugh.

My next crochet project was silk, and I love it (but never seem to find a way to wear it. I think I've worn it once in the last three months).

My thought was to make a thin, small scarf that I could wear almost like a necklace.

It turned out okay, but I find it isn't my style. Hence me not wearing it much, I guess. I started making a large shawl out of the rest of the yarn (I bought a few skeins), and it was turning out lovely and luxuriant, but I found that it was really hurting my right shoulder, so it's on hold. I should just do a row a day or something and get it done.

Now to my knit project. Ah, it was my crowning glory for March (maybe I should stick with knitting, I apparently like how it turns out more).

Tracy, Jaired, and I worked together to make this knight costume for my nephew:

Here's another picture with just the part I made:

There were a few design flaws that I will fix next time I make it (I have two other nephews). One was the way the hood/cowl lay across his shoulders, as you can see, it is a bit hexagonal. I have started on the other ones, playing around with how I do my decreases, moving them to different spots so that it turns out more of an even circle instead of a hexagon. 

Another issue was how I decreased at the top of the hood.

Because I did the decreased right next to each other, it created a visible line. I've fixed that by putting a few stitches between them, making the decrease less obvious.

The sleeves are also too long, probably due to stretch as he has worn it, but it's quite possible I just made them too long. With sleeves, there is the issue of length before the shoulder cap, and sometimes it is hard to get the final length exactly as you want it. Sleeves are one of my least favorite things to work on the design for.

February Design: Fingerless Gloves and Blanket/Pillow Set

Fingerless gloves were my first official project of February. Tracy commented on Facebook that she needed another pair, so I decided to make her some in trade for some sewing she will do for me down the line.

Fingerless gloves are generally rather simple. You pick a stitch pattern you like, figure out your length, and then go at it leaving a hole for the thumb. Unless you want them to look a bit more tidy, in which case you add a thumb gusset. I went with a thumb gusset.

Easy as these are in general, I ended up having to make these twice to get them right. I usually make fingerless gloves very tight, as I prefer them that way, so in an effort to not do too tight, I went with too loose. This also ended up making the cable not be centered in the final product. I had actually given them to Tracy, but it kept bugging me throughout the day so I offered a remake. I'm glad I did.

My other project for February (since fingerless gloves take comparatively little time) was a blanket and pillow set. Blankets don't take too much "designing" you just pick a stitch pattern and then do a gauge so you get the width right. 

I went with a fairly simple stitch pattern because the yarn I used fluctuated a lot in width, and any lace pattern would be lost. (In this picture the blanket wasn't actually done, hence it not being entirely in the frame. I didn't really finish it until March...)

The pillows, on the other hand, had some interesting design qualities. I used the provisional cast on method which creates live stitches on both sides of your cast on. This enabled me to pick those stitches up and work in the round, creating seamless edges at the bottom and sides of my pillows.

See? You can't even tell that that is my cast on, can you? Ah, I love it. The top though wasn't as seamless. There is a weaving bind-off method that is invisible, but I forgot about it when I was working on this. 

Ah well.

Over all, I was pleased with the pillows. The blanket didn't end up as large as I wanted (maybe I do need to spend more design time on it...), but overall success. And this yarn is so deliciously soft!

January Design: Tunic

My first project of the year was the one I started dreaming of in December: an ankle-length cardigan sweater, with a gradual color change as it went up. However, assessing my yarn (it was a stash-bust project, I had no intention of buying more yarn) I realized that ankle-length wasn't reasonable. I ended with an almost knee-length sweater instead.

The first thing I did was the cuff on the sleeve. I wanted the sweater to be long, and I didn't want to worry about saving each color as I went to make sure that I had enough for the sleeves, so I did them first. In the original plan a cable panel like the cuff was supposed to go up the front as well. When I did the sleeve though, I realized that it would be constantly folding in. Also, since I was using a contrasting color on top, it was slowing me down to deal with all the separate balls of yarn. Plan change number two!

Two things here: I had considered using a zipper on the front for my connection, but figured that sewing a zipper on would mess with the yarn. I went with hooks and eyes (main thing I'm not happy about with this sweater, they gap open. Ugh.), and only went down to the waist instead of all the way to the bottom (at the suggestion of other females in the family). The other thing to mention is how noticeable the stripes were. I didn't take the time to more gradually change from one yarn color to the next by doing a few stitches of the new color, and then back to the old, etc. to help it fade in. Not exactly what I wanted, but it works.

You also might notice the pink up on top. I knew I was running out of yarn, and as I mentioned, I had no intention of buying more. I had this lovely color in the same family as the contrasting yarn I used for the edgings, so it was my best compromise.

And the back. You can't really see in the pictures (at least I can't) but to get the waist shaping without decreasing stitches, I changed the stitch pattern from ribbing to cable stitch, as it has a tighter gauge. Twas super convenient! I think I also changed needle size to get a second level of decrease and then increase, but honestly I can't remember. I'll have to look at it eventually and find out.

Overall, I like it well enough, I wear it (which by the time I finished it I thought it might be too bulky for my liking), and it's nice and toasty. Didn't reach the goal in my head. Ugh. Still have to work on that.

The Year of Design

Hello folks! I might be blogging a smidgeon more this year than last (hahaha, I wrote one blogpost last year, not a hard goal to reach), because I have some stuff I want to share with the people, and blogging will work better for this than Facebook.

As any of you who know me knows, I'm an avid knitter. A few years ago I put on my Christmas list a book called "Design it, Knit it". Ellie bought it for me, happy, I think, that I was planning on taking my knitting to the next level. Little did she know, I wanted the book because it had a pattern in it that I really wanted to make.

Months later she mentioned her expectations, and I think that's what encouraged me to design my first vest (which I gave to her). It had some aspects that I real liked, but was a little too short. It has been relegated to my "will fix this eventually" pile to be undone and redesigned... eventually. A few years later I designed another vest. Hated it, ended up giving it to Goodwill. Then I designed another vest (seeing a pattern here?), again, for Ellie, and finally had a moderate success on my hands. I was now ready for the next step: sleeves. You might think that sleeves are an odd thing to get caught up on, but the shaping at the top takes careful balance to fit correctly into the armholes (which are bad enough).

Summer 2017 I designed my first sleeved sweater. Half-way through sewing the sleeves into the armholes, I turned back, undid the sleeves for about 9 inches, and redid the shaping. That sweater turned out a moderate success (I still own it, have worn it several times, and have received a few compliments on it). Sadly, it didn't fit the picture in my head, which is something I'm still working on.

So onto this year. At the very end of December I started sketching out my next project: an ankle length cardigan sweater, in a fading, monochromatic color scheme. Plans changed a lot as it went, but I really enjoyed the process, and wanted to keep doing it. I decided to stretch myself, and set a goal of designing and knitting at least one project a month. I hope to post pictures and descriptions of each project. I have not written the patterns for any of them (so far) and probably won't unless any other knitters request them. I hate writing patterns, it takes away from the time I could be knitting!

Empathy, 10.19.16

I look within
And see inside
The very feelings
You try to hide

I write them down,
These words I find,
And hope they say
What's on your mind

But I hold them back
With worried fear
That you did not
Wish me to hear

But these thoughts of yours
They're here with me
So for both of us
I'll set them free

Me, 7.22.16

I look in the mirror,
And this body,
This flesh,
This isn't me,
Not how I really look.
But it's a part of me.

I catch my own glance,
My eyes bright,
Closer to who I am
Than the rest of the observable me.

I close my eyes to imagine,
How I'd look,
If I looked like Me.
My creative side sparks to life,
I see colors and swirls,
Beauty and brightness.
But then practical Chava steps in,
"Don't forget the quiet,
The thoughtfulness,
The peace."
And the sparkling colors
Subside to a bluish grey.

From the back of my mind comes a laugh,
Cold and cruel.
"And don't forget me,
The pain that has shaped you,
From your first headache,
And your first real tear,
To the adult you've become.
I've formed you."

I open my eyes,
Before the darkness crashes in.
I open my eyes,
And see me.

Darkness Seen, 4.7.13

I wend my way through obstacles
Searching as I go.
I find the world is dark with sin
And life is full of woe.
Confusion and debacles fill
Everything I know;
For humans work in wickedness
And reap that which they sow.

Let Me Grieve, 3.1.16

I want the world to stop a moment.
Let me breathe,
Let me grieve.

I need a pause
to look about me.
To see the shadows of your life
Before they start to fade.

Put life on hold.
Let me cry,
Let me think.

You're gone.
I'm aware of it.
Starkly, painfully.
An ever-present knife wound.
But I still catch my breath,
Realizing again
What that means.

But the world won't stop.
I have to live
While I grieve.
I eat, sleep, talk.
But I don't want to.
Not yet.

Broken Traveler, 12.1.13

I traveled East,
Until I met the Sun.
In its radiance I burned,
And was left a spirit.

I traveled West,
Into the dying day.
Held its light within my heart,
Before it passed away.

I traveled North,
And in the snow I froze.
Crystals of ice,
Pierced my soul.

I traveled South,
To feel heat again,
It melted the ice,
Until I was no more.

A Guide to Female Crying, Part 2

After posting my last post, a guy asked me about another type of crying, and I figured I could do a follow up post hitting a few more categories in the female crying world.

Blood Sugar Crashing:
This one is a bit of a sticky wicket because the female in question may not know that her blood sugar is crashing. To all appearances she is just over reacting to small things. Along with crying, she might seem irrationally angry as well. Here is why: when someone's blood sugar crashes their brain is not getting the sugar it needs to function, so their brain starts freaking out. Things become much more important and much worse to them because their brain just can't handle it.

Really, prevention is the best medicine here, and it mostly needs to be on the girl's part. However for any guys, just be aware of whether or not the important females in your life are hypoglycemic or have any other similar issues. Realize that they might not always be aware that the reason something is affecting them so negatively is because they haven't eaten for a while. I would suggest to discreetly offer them a snack containing protein and some healthy sugars (fruit and a nut butter is good, provided the person likes fruit and nut butters), and see if that helps the situation.

Dangers on this one: If she is upset about something and the first thing out of your mouth is "Is this just because you haven't eaten recently?" she could be hearing "When you cry it is usually just because you need to eat, not because there is actually a problem," which is not something she wants to hear. Deal with the blood sugar, but make sure there isn't a more serious problem at the root of the issue.

Crying and Wont Say Why:
Probably the world's least favorite, especially the sub-category of "Crying and Won't Say Why, but Expects You to Know", which I will address below.

Lots of possibilities here. I would first suggest you attempt to figure out if she wants you to know. I would suggest going about your normal business with a mildly concerned look on your face, and make yourself approachable*. If she uses this opportunity to quietly slip into another room, you can ask her nicely later if she is okay. If she wants you to know, she may tell you, or may attempt a conversation to spark a question from you. If this happens, just ask again and see if she will tell you. However, if she seems upset or agitated by your silence (storms out of the room, glares at you, slams doors, huffs, etc.), you are probably in the situation of "Expects You to Know", and you need to act on that information.

As for why she would do this, there are several reason. She may be embarrassed by the fact she is crying, and really wishes you hadn't noticed. She may think that if she gives you the reason she is crying you will laugh at her, or brush it off as emotional. Or, she could be mad at you.

If she is embarrassed by it, leave her alone, she'll be fine when she gets over it. If she isn't telling you because you might laugh or brush it off, we have a problem here, because that is basically saying she doesn't feel safe telling you things. Shape up.

Crying and Won't Say Why, but Expects You to Know:
Ah, you poor creature. This is the version for when she is mad at you.

For starters, she does legitimately think that you should know what the problem is. It is glaringly obvious to her. It might be something that the two of you have discussed before, it might be a repeated offense, it might be a number of things, but she sees it, and she can't believe that you can't. Therefore when you ask what's wrong, she says you should know, and then you don't... I am so, so sorry. Your inability to see it can be translated a few different ways including: "He doesn't care about me enough to even think about it, even though I am this upset" and "He doesn't know me well enough to know, even though we've been together x years."

You should try to think over the last 24 hours or so to see if you can think of the possible crime, but don't let her stew very long, cause this is just getting worse. She is angry and she is choosing to not communicate. I would suggest pacifying the situation by telling her you truly don't know what's wrong, but you want to so that you can fix it. From here she will hopefully soften a bit more and tell you.

When she is a good mood, you should discuss this situation, especially if this is your spouse. I personally think that being angry and not being willing to work it out is toxic in a relationship, and you and she should figure out a different method of dealing with issues. Do it nicely though, because she probably did have legitimate reason to be angry with you. We usually do.

Quick note to the ladies on this topic: It is never fair to expect someone to read your mind. I could pick a random person at my place of work, imagine them being angry with me, and then pick out five different reasons as to why. If you are living with someone (i.e., husband) you could probably think of many more. Imagine that he were angry, but you had to guess why. Did you over cook the last food you made? Did you leave the car running? Did you forget to feed the cats this morning? Did you leave a sock on the floor and he slipped? Not fair, is it? DON'T DO THIS TO PEOPLE!

Crying and "I Don't Want to Talk About it Right Now.":

Usually she actually means what she says, at least I would. She wants to calm down, sort through some things, before addressing an issue. Giving her the time she wants will deal with half of the problem, so I suggest doing as she asks.

*This suggestion here is one that I'm not very sure about. It is how I would deal with a situation, but I am a pacifistic avoider, so I don't know if it necessarily the best method. Also, for this I am assuming that you have asked once in a straight-forward way.

A Guide to Female Crying

Written by one female for all females without any other female input.

If you are a stereotypical male, you probably find yourself boggled by the female brain and emotions. You probably also hate it when they cry and you can't make sense of it. By reading the below information you may gain some grasp of such difficult topics.

Most female crying fits fall under one of these categories:

Pain: 

If she is crying due to pain, figure out if it is a sickness pain (headache, stomach ache, etc.) or injury. In case of sickness, consider that women have a high pain tolerance for such things, and look into taking her to a doctor. If it is for injury, assess the situation yourself, ask her opinion, and then act accordingly. I would say to remove the nail that is sticking in her forehead, but if you know anything of first aid, you know that that is not the correct procedure in impalement issues.

Ridiculous Catastrophe (Also known as "No Reason"):

Example: you walk into the kitchen, she is standing over the sink crying. You ask what's wrong and she sobs out, "I dropped my cup of water into the sink and it all spilled!" Your first reaction is probably "What on earth is wrong with this creature?!", so for the sake of your life and this relationship, don't let your first reaction come out of your mouth.

She is not crying because her water spilled. She is crying because as soon as she woke up this morning, she felt crumby. Maybe her head hurts. Maybe she's fighting a cold. Maybe it's that time of month, but whatever it is, her body doesn't feel good. Then she gets up and as soon as she sees a mirror she sighs: she looks just as bad as she feels. Like it or not (and whether we like or not), women tend to care about how they look. From there her morning does not improve: she can't find anything to wear that fixes how she feels about her looks this morning, she drops her hairbrush, she realizes she forgot to complete something for work. Every time something happens she tells herself "It's okay, it's going to be okay, I don't need to freak out about this. It's just going to be a bad day. I can handle a bad day. Don't cry. Don't be emotional. Don't be that girl." And then, with a clank, a dropped cup jars her out of her careful control, and the tears hit. First the tears for the cup, then for the way she feels physically, then the way she looks, then the project she forgot at work. And when you ask her, all that comes out is that she dropped the cup.

How to handle it: As I said, don't let your first reaction slip out! Next step: if there is a mess, help her clean it up. Depending on your relationship with said female, a hug may be appropriate. Whatever you do, do something to make her feel that maybe today doesn't have to be a bad day for the whole day.

Tiredness:

This is only a half-truth. We don't cry because we are tired, but, because we are tired, we don't have the energy to put up an anti-crying wall. So, if she is crying because of tiredness, you still need to figure out the real reason. Sorry!

Book or Movie Emotions:

If she is crying because of a book or movie, you really can't help. Realize that she is empathizing and needs to let out the emotions. And take away her books: they are dangerous because they give women ideas and encourage thinking.

Laughing:

If she is laughing so hard that she is crying, I hope you don't see this as a problem. Enjoy the fact that she looks ridiculous doing it, but is carefree enough to do it anyway.

Emotional Topic/Cry Talking:

Ever been in a heated conversation/debate and a female starts crying as she elucidates her point? She hates it more than you do, and wishes she could control it. Just ignore it and do your best to continue the conversation while diffusing the emotions that are blocking her speech patterns. Seriously, she doesn't like that this is happening.

Using Above Crying as Manipulation:

Two possibilities: either she is cruelly manipulative (can't help you there), or she feels that this is the only way you will listen to her. If it is the second. listen now, but also make sure you listen to her before she has to go to this length.

Quietly Crying, Hoping You Don't Notice:

I'm not going to handle this anymore than suggest two things: either something really bad has happened and she doesn't want to ruin your day, or she is depressed.

ADD in Church, 1.25.15

Thoughts fly
And fancies pull me
Whither they will.
I'm listening,
But am I?
Half an ear, perhaps
Missed the point,
Gone again.
Wheels turning
Too many thoughts.
Here, there, dancing
I focus again
Then eyes drawn to
Hair. Red, dyed.
Back to page,
To preacher,
Funny story.
Quiet chatter by me
Preacher reading,
Me reading
Focused
Unfocused
Focus, focus, focus.

A Joyful Moment, 6.6.13

A joy quickly passing

But bright in its moment

From a love that is lasting

As pure as it is rare

The laughter of a second

That fades in the air

But holds in it stories

Of all that is true and fair

Rampant Thoughts, 12.26.13

Staying up late

Know I ought to go to bed

Too many thoughts

Running rampant in my head

Want to do this

Or do that instead

So many thoughts

Running rampant in my head

Broken Memory, 12.29.13

Slipped between my fingers

Fell                         

Clattered on the floor

The only memory I held dear

Smashed

And now no more

I let it go on purpose

Perhaps

Time to move on

But now I feel a change

Purposeless

Now that it is gone

Memories Forgotten, 8.26.13

Would you leave behind the memories
If God gave you that choice?
And lose the only thing you have,
The memory of his voice

Would forgetfulness accomplish
What nothing else could
And might your heart heal
As the ghosts fade from these woods

Why I Hate Santa

Because a child believing in Santa means parents are lying to their children.

Because when an enlightened child tells an unenlightened child the truth about Santa, the mother of the enlightened child gets an angry phone call from the mother of the unenlightened child.

Because the very premise of Santa is bribing children to behave well.

Because I heard a mother once say that her children had to "believe to receive", thus showing that her children had to perpetuate the lie in order to get gifts from the parents.

Because having Santa turns Christmas into a holiday all about receiving, not a whit about giving.

Because some people say they teach their children about Santa because "they don't want them to miss out on Christmas".

Because I have heard Santa described as "Whenever someone gives to someone else, whenever there is love, that is Santa."  And that disgusts me.

Because twice now, when discussing Jesus, God, and angels, my students have brought up Santa.

And most importantly, because when one of my five-year-olds asked me if Santa was real, I couldn't tell him the truth, because 12 sets of childish, excited ears were listening, and I couldn't make myself break that many hearts (I didn't want 12-24 angry phone calls this afternoon either). Also, because today I told my kids that someday soon I will tell them about Santa, and I have no idea what I'm going to say.

Reconsiderations

Well, I made it.  Yay me.

I've been thinking about my yearly challenges.  My mom questioned the purpose of them, and with how much I disliked this past month, I'm questioning them as well.  I will finish out this year though, because failure is not an option... at least, any more than I have already failed in all the grand plans I stated at the start of this year.

The 104 friendly letters of 2012 served a purpose: kept me on track with keeping in touch with my friends, one of whom was unable to write me back, so I needed a goal that made me think of writing her frequently, so that was a fine challenge.  365 poems was a little over the top, but was very good for me.  It got me back into poetry writing which has continued (at a slower pace) into this year.  This year's did nothing for me.  The practical one of exercising regularly died the first time I got sick.  The finishing a story ended fairly quickly (right after I wrote a post about how well it was going, actually), and you all know how the blogging one has been going.

I still want to do something though.  I like the challenges I've set.  I like seeing myself rise to meet them.  But I need a goal to the challenge, a reason to do that certain thing, other than seeing if I can actually write that many letters/poems/blog-posts.

Feel free to give me ideas, and thanks for putting up with me.